The villagers unanimously wanted the Board done away with. A number of them were picketing the hearing. Only the bales of barbed wire spread across the parking lot kept them from storming the building. The chief building inspector was standing at the door with his arms folded across his massive chest. He was packing two cans of mace on his utility belt. He tried to search Mother Teresa’s purse, but she straight-armed him and bulldozed her way inside.

Mother Teresa entered the council chambers and took a place on the pew-like seats. The pews had been salvaged from the fire that burned down the only other church in town during the turf war with the Mennons’ congregation. That had happened a long time ago, and no other congregation had had the guts to set up shop since.

The town’s solicitor came in next. The solicitor was Jaak Mennon’s nephew Juncke (pronounced Hunk). Juncke was not technically a solicitor. He’d taken the Law and Security course at the college in the Falls. It was assumed he’d graduated, although no-one had actually seen his diploma. The town council never bothered to ask. His billing rate was considerably below that of a fully qualified solicitor, so the council gave him a lifetime no-cut contract with a substantial signing bonus. It was his idea to fortify the town hall after the riots, and for that he was paid a performance bonus.

When everyone else was seated the Board member came in. This required that everyone else rise again. Then when the Board member sat down everyone else sat down.

The Board member had grown up in the big city, graduated cum laude with a Masters degree from the university in the big city, and worked professionally in the big city. She knew her way around a few things. She was well respected in Board circles for her erudite and articulate decisions, and the precision with which she expressed them in writing.

She usually managed to work some rhyming couplets into her orders. In one landmark decision about a grocery store in the big city she summed up eight months of testimony….by lawyers, engineers, architects, marine biologists, demographers, market analysts, geomorphologists, macro biologists, microbiologists, botanists, zoologists, toxicologists, taxidermists, two experts in international civil aviation, an absent-minded retired British arborist quoting Shakespeare and Shaw who stumbled into the hearing by mistake, and input from over one thousand lay complainers….in a single oracular verse.

Stores may come

And stores may go.

The parking lot is empty.

No bargains.

It was widely believed she was headed for Chair of the Board.

The member asked what the hearing was about, which required the town solicitor to rise again.

The town solicitor briefly mentioned the separation between Mother Teresa’s Wonder Building and the back wall of her house, then launched into a long winded explanation as to why the Variance Board were not able to attend the hearing to defend their decision.

“They’re all at home with the cramps.”

“Excuse me?”, asked the member.

“They’re all at home with the cramps, every man jack o’ them. Terrible cramps. They’re doubled over and can’t move. Got the runs too. Junior’s got ‘em the worst; he’s our Chair. We’ve got the town doctor looking into it, but he hasn’t had time to see them all yet. Can’t figure out what’s wrong. But if you ask me, I think it was something they ‘et at the Stampede.”

Mother Teresa sat motionless, but she was taking it all in.

The solicitor then started into a long history of the Stampede, explaining it was a great day for all the kiddies and their pets, and the biggest single event in the village in terms of dollar volume in lederhoser sales, and the villagers were all proud of it. When he asked the member if she knew what lederhosers were she cut him off.

“I’m quite familiar with your lederhosers, thank you. Your town clerk tried to give me a complete set of them the last time I was in town.”

The member paused for a moment to let the meaning of that last remark sink in. The solicitor thought he got it, but wasn’t sure.

“Well, anyway Ma’am, the point is the Variance Board can’t be here today. They need to sit tight at home, if you know what I mean.”

The Board member stared out the barred window of the council chamber. Her thoughts wandered to the drive back to the city in her imported luxury car, a stop at her spa for a full reiki treatment to get centered, and an evening at the opera with her current beau, a former minister of finance from the European Union. Tomorrow she would confirm her get-away to Aruba, and a well-deserved rest on the beach with pina colada’s on demand and dancing in the disco until sunrise. Tomorrow was also her mother’s birthday; she’d buy flowers after work, and take her out to dinner. After a long pause she spoke.

“I haven’t heard a shred of evidence as to why this complainer can’t have her Wonder Building exactly where it is. And the rest of the evidence I’ve heard is so revolting I don’t want to think about it. Therefore I’m granting the complainer her variance, and I’m ordering the village to obey it. End of story.”

With that the Board member gathered up her files and walked out. The town solicitor shrugged, and walked out too. He was still puzzling over the member’s remark about the town clerk and the lederhosers. Mother Teresa walked out and got on her tractor and started it up. She had some celebrating to do.